the past week has been pretty much a bitch. Restless nights and daily nausea...
it's just like in that Bleach opening song
" i can't tell if you're the same person i knew back then
nothing in this world could replace you
please don't you forget, don't wither and die
you one of a kind flower" ( High and mighty color - ichirin no hana)
i've been feeling like crap and have a constant feeling of throwing up. I guess i could blame it on someone but i guess all in all it's my own fault of being over reacting and over sensitive about it... but why shoulnd't i be?

what's it about? well it goes something like this: have you ever builted a friendship in the past 2 years that went from better to better? That it was so neat and nice you couldn't ask for more? That you even lean to go to the next level and turn it into a an even more friendly relationship? More than siblings... even love? and that to be the main reason of it's decline?....

Yeah that happened to me as it seems. Maybe it's my fault... Maybe i blew it somewhere and it gone wrong or something. It feels as if everything just short circuited. Maybe i'm just talking and making a fuss over it too much like i am most likely to do...

Really now! I really couldn't of been more pleased and of wanted more! And yet it was still taken away from me... Why?

but probably what frustrates me the most is that i don't understand even though i'm really trying to... i don't understand and i'm confused, puzzled, lost and dizzy. It feels as if our bond tottally snaped... the red thread of the destiny broke and got lost somewhere because i can't see or find it... where has our connection turn to?

I annoys me that usually i'm not a cry baby and i usually take the blame all on me and try to solve and calm things down... but i can't. Here , now i simply can't... i'm incapable... even though i hold myself from complaining i can't stop crying and mourning as if someone dear died...

I usuually try o think to myself what is it that i want but i can't see you actually telling me what is it that YOU want. You snapped and yelled at your mother about our relationship and then you tell me you don't think you love me and smile blankly blocking me from seeing the real you. You say you want us to be friends but you act coldly and distant and don't even talk to me unless i bug or disturb or distract you. You say you want me as your teacher but you as a student don't listen to your teacher... hey i can't force you to listen to me but if you're not willing to listen then how can i be called your sensei... it's kinda like the other way around: i'm the one confused that wants to know you know!

Even now you say about the situation you're in and that you are the victim here but nobody really attacks you with anything... it's you who snap at your own mother and blame the ones near you for your own mistakes. But hey i did say it's okay... you can let me take the hit as long as it feels worth while... as long as i see you happy and shining next to me i feel invincible and unbeatable... but i can't take the hits when you run away and pretend nothing ever happened.

that... that cursed blank smile of yours telling me "it's okay, it will pass" as if you were simply toying with my feelings...just for fun and then got bored of it all and decided to shove me away. You know, if you wanted to break up with me and leave you alone you COULD of just said it. Just f*cking said it and i could of understand.

I barely dare to ask: do you even realise how cruel you are right now? acting like a spoiled brat imposing yourself on everyone trying to overcome them by force... I know...i know you're young and it's the hormones that are to blame... i know... but still try to control yourself more.

You go around saying you have a life and that you want to live not just to survive. As far as i know: you're not in a jungle with a stick trying to survive the hard life. I don't recall nobody pushing you to do hard labor or impossible duties. so you're at the moment rearanging your life. Well cleaning up is a good thing, but the question is: what part of your life are you rearaging? is it your emotional one? if it is are you cleaning your life from unneeded people? and aren't you just trying to trash me away in a more slower and painfull way?

Yes! I'm insulted, offended but most of all i'm hurt. Once, not too long ago you said you love me and now you blankly say you don't think you love me as if loving wouldn't be of too much importance to you. Am i really such a lowlife to be treated so much like a toy? You know saying " i love you" isn't just a good mix of words that go nicely here and there. They actually mean something and are better left unsaid if you don't really mean it. Because when i said i love you i meant it... but i can't say if you did as well...

this isn't a game you know? a person's heart is not a toy. I thought i made that pretty clear enough when i gave my heart to you. I specificly asked you to take care of it for it was your responsability.

When i said that i've been crying for tha past week i wasn't joking around and neither dramatising tto impress you... i really am crying because instead of heartbeats i feel as if my chest is being spinned like spagetti in a fork.

i know, i'm probably just overreacting and that i care too much and that i should just leave you be and just give up on you... but you know? i can't!! why? because it would be a big waste of a 2 years of prospering a good relation that i thought was all working okay. After 2 years, do you really think i could just give up on you and say "go to f*cking hell you narrow minded selfish self-centered stubborn bi*tch!" ?... no... i cannot... i really can't. I'm not all that perfect either.

I'm probably worser than this anyway Actually i'm more than sure that i'm just a freaky sick perv that never shuts up when needed and viceversa with bad issues and bad habbits and bad influence.

I just can't thow away a relation that i was just more than pleased to have for all this time. Maybe it's just me having a bit of a hard time trying to accept the dark side of you but i'm trying my best and working on it. I know you do stupid things and huge mistakes and can be a big dum-dumb at times but to be honest that could be what motivated me to do my best to rise you above the darkness and into the light of wisdom. So even if i's a horrible treatment and pure torture you're putting me through i won't give up on you because i love and care for you...

No matter how manny times you stab me i just can't hate you. It's the first time my love isn't turning into hate... I just love you you morron... my little morron. I'll love you no matter what... even if you were the devil itself. I would gladly take the responsability to clean up all the shitty shitt you leave behing... i'll clea it up with my bare hands if needed... for i'd do anything for you as you would like to satisfy my last two requests: that you will try to temper yourself more so that i won't be worried about your family quarells so much [loving you also means keeping you away from what i fear and hate the most: family conflicts] and that... if you would just.... just speak your mind and tell me EXACTLY ... precisely... FRANKLY... what's on your mind, what is it that you want me to do. I'm the one that's confused and has a damn idea of what i'm suppose to do. This time i'm asking you: do YOU feel you need me in your rearranged life? or you think i should stay put and leave you alone and wuit tormenting you with my crazy shit... Just tell me...Just say something and don't leave me drafting here not knowing what to f*cking do or not do...


....or say nothing and proove me i'm just a lame being, so pathetic it doesn't deserve respect or even attention to bother...

...the choise is all yours: love me, kill me or leave me to suffer for etternety.